grown2worship: Being Real

There are so many things dancing in my head these days!!

I have so very much to share

but struggle with how best to express my heart in this tremendous leg of our family journey.

These last weeks have been filled with a mixture of laughter and grief,

Tagalog and English, joys and sorrows, love...and more love.

We have belly laughed, shed tears, held each other close, and tested the limits.

Some view adoption as scary, some see it as redemptive, others have a romantic airport view.

Quite frankly...it is all these things...

and so much more!!

Adoption is powerful, exhausting, overwhelmingly joyous, and terribly painful.

Through it, Christ draws out the brokenness in each of us.

And if we allow HIM, he heals hearts, removes our selfishness,

and makes something beautiful...Family.

We went into our older child adoption with eyes wide open,

and to be honest,

at times,

with fear and trembling:)

We completed training, read the books, and networked with everyone and their brother.

But in both of our adoptions...

nothing could have prepared me for the extreme, unexplainable love that has penetrated my heart for children that I have not birthed. I realize it is difficult to understand, but God has given us an equal, tremendous love for each of our children regardless of the time they have been in our family.

One has been in our family for over 16 years, another for the past 8 years, and the most recent...

30 days. We love them each...deeply....unconditionally!!

It is so important for you to understand the love aspect...

because that is also what causes our hurt:)

Because we love, it hurts to watch our children experience grief.

Both of our middles came to us with a past, with experiences, leaving much behind.

And for this, there is hurt.

I want so very much to be able to sweep them up in my arms,

reassure them that family is forever by hugging and kissing them.

But often, children that have experienced loss as mine have,

are slow to trust...

confused by conflicting emotions.

Wanting love, but are also terrified of it.

If they love me, then they must be disloyal to another that has cared for them and loved them.

Or so they think.

They may be hurt or scared, but what is shown on the outside at times is anger.

Oh how it hurts to watch the times they flounder in that place.

I wait with open arms ready to help them through their trial.

And I am reminded of my heavenly father, who has waited so many times for me

while in my floundering place trying to escape my difficulties my own way, on my own terms.

He offers peace, comfort, and the best path out of the trial,

just as I long to offer wisdom and comfort to my hurting children.

Some have asked if I would have liked to adopt my children as infants instead.
I can tell you with all honesty that my answer is NO!
God has hand picked our children and brought them each to our family!!
Each of their experiences, good and bad,
have made them the fabulous young men and women they are today!
They came to our family and our hearts when HE saw fit!!

My prayer is that I will be the mother God intended for my children...
that HE would equip me, and love our children through me.

May I be like HIM

unwavering in my love

unwavering in gentleness

unwavering in patience.

For now, as we walk this new leg of our journey together...

I rejoice for laughter,

I rejoice for the bellowing of joyful song coming from the shower,

I rejoice in the open display of love between a daddy and his children,

I rejoice as my children bond closer each day,

I rejoice as a certain little boy has come to me giggling 6 nights in a row

looking for lotion and a massage,

I rejoice that the words I love you mommy are coming more freely,